I soooooooo understand this and have asked myself that many times.

I would get angry and say that there was no reason for me to check...I wanted to be aware. It didn't seem to matter in the "presets" in my brain.

I think for us that we do have well formed presets that determine dissociation and others acting.

For me I realized that it was a couple of thoughts had that would trip the switch to the presets..."That did NOT just happen (disbelief on my part)," "This can't be happening," or "I don't want to be here." The same thoughts this child had time and again...

I never realized how literally these thoughts of mine were taken internally. As I gained awareness in regards to my dissociation, I realized these specific thoughts would flip a switch in my brain. For forever, I thought there was another, global part of me that "dictated" who did what, when, where and how. However, over time I realized that for me it was a physiological aspect of my brain.

I can't say that goes on for everyone, of course, but that was the case for me. I try very hard to re-frame my thinking in that I've tried to replace those specific thoughts. It really helped.

Love,

KD