OK. So this is not about depression. It might be a big part of the cause. So I write...

I told my pdoc today that I am OFF meds for now until some unknown date. I want to FEEL again, ups and downs. It has been a screaming roller coaster ride for a few weeks now, but I am getting used to it. I like to cry with a hair trigger. It makes me feel more alive. She said my feelings are not uncommon.

I told her about my gender confusion. She immediately said a therapist is in order. Unfortunately, i am with Kaiser and it could take weeks. (Kaiser is sort of like walmart. You can usually get what you need, but there are compromises with service and quality.)

So now I rage at the machine. Along with crying, I have a hair trigger to anger, laughter, and even sex.

I have a horrible job that most anyone would die for. I baby sit a large computer installation that rarely has anything go wrong with it. That means many hours every day with nothing to do but read books, magazines, and the web. It pays the bills, but is hell with the self -esteem, no to mention the very long dull days. There are no other jobs around here. I have tried. It really is unbelievable what I "do" for a living.

Why don't I go to school? I have. I spent years in school days and working nights. SSRIs and loss of enthusiasm, and depression put it all behind me. I would rather read a good mystery novel.

Sorry about the ravings of a semi-lunatic. I am a mess and you are my friends now.