I’m sorry that you’ve had such unsatisfactory experiences, Patty. I’ve attended AA, Al-Anon, ACOA, and Emotions Anonymous.

I think the general idea is to establish discernment and balance in my life. I’ve never heard anyone suggest ignoring the legitimate needs, wants, desires of a friend, family, spouse, or intimate partner.

For example, in my marriage, I needed a lot of attention from my husband. I remember pouting because he abruptly decided to help an old woman move on Saturday, my day off from work, when I’d wanted to spend the whole day together. This is not taking care of me. It is about my dysfunctional emotions. He was not a spouse who routinely ignored my needs – and I have had to develop discernment, the wisdom to know the difference between being needy and a doormate.

Taking care of me can involve learning to do things apart from an intimate partner, building self-identity and self-esteem outside of our cultural ideal of being part of a couple. I also have had to learn to identify and establish my boundaries.

That’s another thing that’s been a challenging part of learning self-care –identify when I am hungry, angry, lonely, over-committed and tired. There are times when I am a stranger to my deepest inner feelings. In such cases, catering to someone else’s needs, wants, desire – even if they are valid – may conflict with my own. Then, I have to experiment with communication and negotiation strategies to preserve a balance between selfishness, love, and self-care.

Not everything that we hear at a self-help meeting is good advice. We hear things that are selfish, angry, silly, ignorant, dysfunctional, and inconsistent with the program steps. We also hear things that are wise, compassionate, useful, and helpful. We are all seekers (no pun intended) at a self-help meeting; there is no therapist or facilitator. So each of us must take what we need and leave the rest.

I can understand why you would come away thinking that there is no such thing as co-dependence, especially if you attended a meeting where there were no or few words of wisdom. I don’t think co-dependence exists as a thing “out there” that we can point to – like the Grand Canyon. Rather, it exists within a specific situation, a specific relationship, the way a specific person – ME – relates to others. Putting what’s happening out in the open gives me a chance to get my bearings – just as people share here to do perspective-checking.

The slogans, the emphasis on a higher power, the rituals, of 12-step programs can be a real turn-off for some people. That’s okay, too. We each must find our own way on life’s journey. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to hook up with meetings where your needs could be met.