Did something triggering happen to you recently? Or, is part of you wanting to get over the negative behavior, while your "normal" self wants to continue with the way things are = damaging yourself in some way/s?

It is SO hard. I know.

Perhaps keeping a journal, in which you write about these deep, dark feelings and tendencies could help you resolve them & at least slow them down a bit. Sharing what you've written could help your T immensely, to see exactly how you're feeling & things that you're thinking as well. It would provide terrific insight! That would just have to help!

Gentle hugs sent your way.