Hi all, just looking for someone to share my thoughts with. Maybe someone who has been through something similar?

I got with a girl at 16. She left me at 19 for someone else. We got back together a few months later. Stayed together until we were 24 and engaged. A month before the wedding she left me again for someone else. We got back together again a few months later. Since then we got married and now have a little boy 10 months old. When he was 2 months old I left her for another woman at work. Sub consciously maybe revenge? I don't know but I don't think so. I think it was a toxic relationship and my insecurity made me get back with her both times and I should have been stronger. I'm just so scared I will be alone forever.

So now my girlfriend I left my wife for told me she thinks she cant handle I have a son. She knew this from the start but has found it harder than she thought she would. I was shattered, broken. And as a result my confidence went through the floor, paranoia, jealousy, fear, insecurity have now made the situation worse and I'm driving her away. To be honest I think I've lost her now.

I have huge self esteem issues, and like I said fear I wont find anybody to share my life with. I'm a loving, kind person with a lot to give. But I'm 30, have a son with another woman, live at my parents through financial difficulty. The future seems bleak. I am so scared of losing my girlfriend. I'm needy, clingy. I will miss everything about her and feel like she is the one. I think we can be happy together but think I've blown it now. The connection we had, the intimacy, the shared interests, we were perfect. And I've sabotaged it with my mental state. The thought of her having what we have/had with someone else makes me feel physically sick.

Really struggling with my thoughts and emotions right now and see no end to it and a life of unhappiness.