Thanks for the reply rcat.

Regarding my girlfriend. She has found it difficult to talk to me about it because i have gotten defensive and aggressive in the past when she tells me she finds it hard. As a dad i find it hard that my precious boy can evoke such feelings to someone. Its emotional naivity on my part i know that. I needed to be more sympathetic towards her feelings. I think we've now got to the point where its futile and despite me telling her there is no pressure on this and i will be more supportive she still doesnt completely open up to me.

We have spoken about a lot of things future-wise. we have both said we are 'the one', we want a family together including my boy. Marriage too. But this situation seems to have completely obliterated all that.

You are right. I dont know how to be on my own, its scary, ive never had to do it before. maybe if i can learn to love myself then any future relationships (or this current one if it survives) can work.

Its very raw at the moment and i am grieving for what i think i have already lost with her. Her touch, her kiss, her smell, her voice. I am pining for it and thinking that i will never get to hold her again, make love to her again. It really kills me.

I am finding it hard to get out of this cycle. Self-loathing, sefl-pitying, insecure, paranoid, dependant. Pretty much every negative thing a person can attribute to themselves. Im self aware to realise this, yet too weak to change it right now.

I am seeking professional help and maybe some sort of medication to raise me enough to just cope perhaps. Ive never been keen on the idea of medication, but im at a point where im willing to try anything