Ok.....Im ok.I keep telling myself that.
I cant tell if im sad or angry.
I cant tell if Im hypo or depressed.I just dont understand these feelings im having.
Ive been doing pretty good with the booze lately,I order a virgin,most times dont drink at all.My friends notice but havent said anything,they dont know about bp.They do know that Im more distant and that Im not the girl I was 2 years ago.You know,that crazy girl who makes everyone laugh and smile.I dont know where that girl is anymore.
Twice in the last month I seen a shimmer of that girl back in me and now Ive lost her again.
Ive had a stressful three weeks,and no sh.Last week,on my way to the grocery store I found myself in the liqour store.By 5 I had drank about 12 oz of vodka.....not even a drink I like.
Over the last two weeks thoughts of sh creep in constantly,so I keep my self busy,gardening cooking,scrubbing my house.But there no escape from the intrusive thoughts,my bare hands pull thistle,the pot too hot to grab,the chemical cleaner burns without gloves.....I let it happen.Its so fu*^#d up.
I see T tomorrow.My plan was to tell him,no drinking,no sh....what a diappointment AGAIN.
My husband reluctantly left me alone this afternoon.My head is swirling with thoughts of sh.Hell theres both beer and vodka and even some rum in the fridge.I bought straight razors last week......I dont know why......yes I do,lies,lies I lie.

Im sorry If Im upsetting you all.....I thought maybe If I put it here nothing bad will happen......venting.....ya know.