I make a list of everything I have to do before I can carry out that final act. Things like deleting everything on my computer for privacy, making sure my cats would have care and not be left hungry for any period of time, clearing out old financial records or anything private that I don't want my family to know about. The list inevitably gets more and more added to it and since call someone and talk to them is on it by the time I Get that far I'm usually calmed down some and ready to talk to someone and get to my therapist ASAP. I also just have some rules about when I go to the hospital and so far I've been able to hold myself to those rules although it got very close once. I also remember that scary experience and how terrifying it was when nobody in the hospital realized that they were my last resort and so I had to tell a nurse the truth to keep them from sending me home. It's a lot easier to be honest with my therapist or pdoc so I do that instead.

And at this point I know I just can't because my oldest niece is old enough to understand and remember me clearly and I can't do that to her.