Just like the other posts about me being depressed, its all about my mom. She is sick again and I'm scared for her life. She has a severe infection of the salivary gland. It sounds minor but even a simple cold is deadly to my mom. It turns into pneumonia and nearly kills her every time. In two days my grandpa is coming over and I haven't seen him in 2 years. I am excited about that but I think all we are going to do together is visit mom in the hospital. That's all I see. I pray to God that I'm wrong and she doesn't need to stay overnight. She's going in today because of it. My depressive episode started not today but a week ago for some odd reason. Its just a million times worse today because of mom's health and other reasons as well. We are supposed to go on a nice cruise in October and its already paid for but I'm scared that we won't go because of mom's health. We haven't been on a vacation for 3 or 4 years. I don't know what true happiness is because I haven't felt it in many years and when I did it was a short time like when I'm on a trip or something. I haven't been able to cry for at least a year. Don't know why. I am on anti depressant medications and it doesn't help in this situation. I cut myself today. I want to do more. I just can't take all the negatives. I also have multiple personalities and it interferes with my life and makes me depressed. I can't even go to school because of it. All I do is go to different groups and stay at home fiddling with my thumbs. I don't have a job. As mentioned many, many times on this site, I have extreme guilt. I killed 350,000 people with my psychic dreams and that makes me even MORE depressed if that is even possible. I am the cause of all the problems in the world. It's all me! Then the alien creatures tell me what to do but this isn't as bad as it was a few months ago. It used to be 24/7 but now its just a few times a day. All my movements are controlled by an outside force and I can't think in public. My thoughts are too weird and everyone will know that. My thoughts are not private but everyone on Earth knows them. My thoughts are broadcasted by some device and I'm scared about that as well as mom's health. I get panic attacks nearly everyday but this has been lasting longer than my current episode of depression. So, what do I do? I can't go to the hospital because grandpa is coming over in 2 days. I don't want to miss that. I want to cry like most depressed people do. All I show is a big fat smile on my face no matter what. I don't mean to smile all the time though. I even smile at inappropriate things such as the world ending and things like that even though I don't mean it. I have no energy to do things. I sleep for long periods of time. I lost interest in things that I used to love such as video games and building my model airplanes. I need to know what to do. And I know when my next major depressive episode is coming. October. After the cruise (IF we go). I always have episodes around birthdays and my insane brother's birthday is in October. Also my mom is having another surgery and she nearly died during the last surgery. Then I think that is going to be the last vacation EVER as a family. There will be NOTHING to look forward to ever again