I understand. My Mom is an alcoholic. I love her and always will. I look behind her disease and see a beautiful, honorable, sensitive, clever, person. Her behavior has been abusive to me my whole life, even now, she won't come to the phone to tell me the details of my Dad's stage 3 cancer. However, loving her is part of who I am. My love is part of me I want to pass on to my children. It doesn't mean I can't walk away when she is playing with me like a cat with a mouse. I don't even have to talk to her, but I can still love her. I go to Alanon, talk to a lot of people, on how to deal with her disease. I search how I can learn how to respond like a decent person no matter what wrong she commits. I used to roar at her.