no joy. just nothing. don't know why i'm posting. i feel dead and without an once of joy. maybe i should jump at electroconvulsive, even though it may mean memory loss..... if that happens, just want you to know that i never mean to forget you if i do forget. good thing that psych central has a setting where it would remember me rather than my having to remember my password. can't cry, even though i want to. for those who have responded to my previous posts, i thank you. feels like i'm saying good-bye, doesn't it? does to me. but i'm not saying good-bye. i just need relief. i'm so dying from this heavy depression. i'm losing my pdoc and my insurance wont cover for a better route that's safer than ect treatments (electroconvulsive therapy). i want to be free from depression so bad. my sould is crying out so bad, and even god isn't answering... a nuclear holocaust is better than this..... no hope is no life. believe me, i've seen the effects of a nuclear holocaust - i.e. hiroshima, nagasaki, nuclear testings from the declassified files, and chernobyl. my soul is so full of it. it's worse than those events. it's like my depression is putting holes into my head. god, free me, please. please, please, please, please. i'm begging for mercy.... soon, i could walk in the land of the dead, not by my doing, but by the depression. i mean, i wouldn't go there, but i'm getting there by soul. i'm probably not making any sense. i'm just stating how i feel. this torture needs to stop. i've spent so long in this torture and i don't know if i can ever get out.