Okay, so I started a new thread because it was getting confusing for me.

I had therapy just half an hour ago.

I did bring my post (thanks January) - but he wouldn't read it - and I told him that I didn't like his contract (thanks everyone) ... but beyond that, ARGH.

I swear he doesn't listen to me. I told him I felt disconnected. So of COURSE that has to do with any number of things that have been brought up in therapy. NO, I just feel crappy and I dislike YOU - grrr T. I told him I didn't exactly like him and I didn't want to be there though.

We did more talk about emotions. At least he didn't make me do another contract. I explained, in excruciating detail, every way that his contract was lousy and how I broke it. He didn't seem happy about that, but I don't care.

Said something about my trying to get attention by doing stupid things to myself (like drinking a lot) and wanting help and for people to care for me (and make decisions for me). Yes, I admit it. I have a stupid way of asking for help. This is what I've been taught, and just telling me that what I'm doing is not the best idea will NOT solve the problem.

He didn't give me any ideas about what to do when I want to SI. All he said was something about establishing relationships and connecting me with people I can talk to when I need to. But I ALREADY talk to everyone I trust. That includes all of you lovely people.

Then he reads this passage from a book that he thought would be helpful to me (isn't that sweet) ... something about how bottling emotions and how not dealing with them makes it worse and then they control you. He said that if I didn't believe him when he said that, I should believe the author since he's highly educated in that sort of thing. I already believe my T, I do ... I just can't change how I've been conditionned to believe my emotions are bad and to just freely express them overnight - can I?

%#@&#!. He's so frustrating to deal with.

At least he told me that maybe it would be a good idea to go see a psychiatrist. So I'm on a waitlist to see psychiatrist I saw last semester. I like him and I trust him, and it seems a heckuva lot more than I like my T right now... that's bad isn't it?

So I will hopefully see the Doc soonish (I don't know when ... might not be until sometime in September, but I can wait that long) and maybe, just MAYBE I will scream at my T next week. I've got an itching to do so.

This is all my fault isn't it? I'm being defensive and I hate change and it's my fault that I'm emotional and the fact that our relationship isn't so great right now - that's my fault again, isn't it?

Phooey. One week until I see him again.

%#@&#!. Why do I do this ... therapy seems so pointless right now.

On another related topic - I've been having lovely conversations with a friend of mine who has been really helpful and supportive of me - well, always - and he's the guy I turn to when I need help or someone to listen. He's the guy who helps me when the SI thoughts get bad, and he's the only one I trust to be honest with (most of the time) ... he's the only one who I can't seem to lie to, since he seems to understand me better than most people. Anyyyyyyyyways, he gave me homework on Friday. Make a list of fears and a list of reasons I don't want to change. That was hard work, but helpful for me. I tried to bring THAT up with T too, but he wasn't paying attention. Phooey.