When you talk about feeling different and wondering why you can't be functional, I totally feel you. I know we are just a small cross-section of the bipolar community because people only come to forums if they're in a bad place, but I was only yesterday wondering what the average level of functioning is for someone with BP. I feel like I'm a weird case because I didn't get diagnosed until I was 33. In a year and a half I've been hospitalized 6 times and now my treatment team has decided I need residential. Umm... What? Last summer I was finally working my dream job, I was a rising star in my company, interacting with VPs every day. Now I can't even brush my teeth on a regular basis.

So when you say you wonder why you're different than other people, I understand. I have a twin who I feel like got handed all the luck (relatively) in life. I don't know why I can't consistently function like her, but I also don't get why I can't function like I used to. My family doesn't understand how I look like me and my voice sounds like me but nothing else is the same. They think I don't want to get better. I just can't believe it's possible that I have plummeted so far and I'm somehow responsible. I think the chemicals in my brain are off and I haven't found the right meds yet. Btw my pdoc really didn't want me on antidepressants either. He grudgingly put me on a low dose of Cymbalta and I felt like it was helping. I went IP under a different pdoc and talked him into hiking it. You couldn't do that if you were manic but if you went for depression...

I'm not able to see any potential in my life when I'm stuck in my mom's basement and not interacting with people, all I see is how much things suck. I feel like it's so hard to maintain relationships with friends because they all work except for one who is a stay-at-home mom. I envy all their lives and can't relate to them right now so I've dropped off the map and after a year most of them had given up trying to reach out. I rarely post on fb and I feel rejected when I do for the same reason as you (although I think there is some kind of algorithm where people whose stuff you 'like' more frequently shows up at the top of your newsfeed, so you might entirely miss posts from people who are hardly ever on because they get pushed down). Just try to remember that other people might feel like you are the one who disappeared, not the other way around.

Last thing is I am 100% with you on being anxious to do paperwork. I'm lucky because my mom took over. She handed me things to sign and dropped it in the mail for me. The SSDI process was actually pretty easy and it only took me 3 months to get approved. They are giving me a chunk of benefits that are retroactive from the date they consider me to have become disabled. If you could do that, buy a cheap car and have more independence it could change your whole life! <3