I'm pretty frustrated right now and can't sleep, so this is sort of a rant that is hopefully not too scatter-brained. Basically, my boyfriend has a mild disability and performance anxiety that has made sex more difficult than it should be and I'm unsure who should accommodate whom at this point and if I could ever be able to have an orgasm from him or not.

Ever since I started having sex with my boyfriend, we've had issues with his performance anxiety (among other things). I guess the first time took him by surprise and he felt pressured because I was a virgin so he couldn't perform at all. And now if we haven't had sex in a while (like a couple weeks or something), he's too nervous to get an erection. If I encourage him to deviate from his "box" of foreplay tricks, he kind of freaks out and doesn't know how. I'm the most comfortable on my stomach and I've been trying to find ways to suggest to him how to give me oral or use his hand while I'm in that position, nothing I suggest is comfortable to him.

And here I'm thinking, after all these months watching me masturbate, you've seen me get off on my stomach what, maybe 90% of the time? I can only explain how to touch me in ways I have gotten myself off. I've never gotten myself off with just my hand while on my back, for example so I can't tell him how to touch me to give me an orgasm, only how it feels good (and maybe we'll get lucky).

And even if something is being done right, it's too painful for him to do more than a few minutes so I can never have an orgasm unless I masturbate next to him.

And intercourse…he's either too nervous and can't get it up or too excited and gets off immediately. But who am I kidding? His longest times are 2-3 minutes with an average of 30 seconds to a minute. And he's only comfortable with two positions and in one of those positions, he gets off before it starts to feel good to me too often. So we mainly have sex in missionary position. He's comfortable enough about the position so that he doesn't freak out about how to penetrate me, I'm in a position where I can help guide it in so it doesn't hurt going in wrong, and I usually get to relax and feel something before he gets off.

And perhaps some of the performance anxiety is my fault…if I explicitly tell him I want to have sex with him it's too much pressure on him and he can't perform. And I find this out just when I was finally starting to feel comfortable having strong sexual desires for someone. Now I feel like a monster and a pervert again. Sure, I can express desire in subtle ways, but not being able to express it explicitly makes me feel like there's something wrong with me wanting to have sex with him.

Further complicating things is the fact that he doesn't really have muscle memory (cerebral palsy) so he has a very difficult time remembering how to touch me anyway and I've had to show him over and over. But it's usually within the context of how he's comfortable with doing things and I'm trying to get comfortable with just always being on my back even though I have a hard time orgasming on my back (and the orgasms aren't as good and sometimes hurt) since it's the path of least resistance.

But I sort of resent having to reteach my body how to orgasm in a different way. I'm not even sure how to do it…with a vibrator I can orgasm on my back, but I can't create that feeling with my hand. Not to mention it feels so unnatural on my back and it's difficult to motivate myself to practice having an orgasm on my back when it takes much longer and the orgasm is much less satisfying. Are they supposed to get better over time or is my body not made to have orgasms on my back? I haven't tried using just my hand on my back much…I have no idea how that would even work.

Apparently me getting an orgasm from him touching me directly would help him be less anxious but in order to do that it appears that I have to completely relearn how to have an orgasm in a fundamentally different way because he can't or won't do it the way that's comfortable and familiar to me. And it's so frustrating. Is it even possible to retrain my body like that?

I really want to find a sex therapist, but they're all an hour away and the only one that I know for sure takes our insurance is someone who specializes in women's issues. Which is great for me, but these issues are both of ours.