when i speak with him i feel loveydovey safeness and fluffyness, but it always feels like im missing something. i get anxious, and think my life is basically a lie. that hurts the most. and that's why im getting into alot of fights with him i think. i suddenly call him spoiled for no reason, i didn't ever mean to, and then we get in a cycle: he's pulling away, im getting mad, he's hurt, i'm hurt but realise i already fcked it up and get anxious to lose him then try to convince hiim that i didn't mean it, ofcourse he doesn't believe, and then i get desperate and have no clue what to say.

when i don't talk to him i get really depressed, and think the only thing in the world that matters is being happily ever after (not literally, but atleast better than it goes now). i try to think of ways that we could be together again, one way or another.

i don't know how to do this anymore. everyone tells me to let go, but i can't. there's even a possibility he's gay because he never had a girlfriend: only on the internet. i wouldn't mind, i would even find it cute. but it gives me a powerless feeling that i can't be with him.

i hope this was a good explanation.