I think this may be some of what I fear if I tell. I know that my therapist and pdoc are not going to make some big thing about it but somehow because I know other people who aren't trained in it (like say if my mom found out), they would freak and if someone freaked out about this I could not handle it. Or my childhood experiece where, well, let's just say I broke my ankle and kept running 5+ miles/day on it rather than say it hurt b/c I wasn't allowed to complain.

The most anyone is going to freak out if I tell my therapist is that he might tell my pdoc himself or have me call her to tell her before my next session (which doesn't make sense since this is from a few weeks ago) and my pdoc is going to do nothing but suggest we start a med we already have agreed I'll start about Jan. 1 providing I don't have a miraculous response to low dose lithium. And she won't make me do it any sooner because she understands why I want to wait and that I am handling things right now and if I can't then I'll tell her. So the most I'll get is a calm reaction telling me to tell the pdoc who will simply note it is one more reason to make the change we've pretty much known was inevitable for 3 months but which has been put off because I'm a little afraid of it.

In my mind it becomes "don't tell and nothing bad will happen" but realistically telling the people who need to know will not cause anything bad. I think there's also a degree of "sure Jen, what's one more thing" that neither of them is saying or thinking but which I hear because this year has been so dramatic and I have family drama going on with mood drama and adding more just seems more unreal. Except what is unreal is my life.....But I don't want it to be.

This is really confusing for me obviously. Hopefully I'll figure it out by the time I see my pdoc in 3 weeks b/c she'll need to know then to explain to the hospital dr why she is going with clozaril. It's just so hard.