I really feel like I am about to get stuck, run into a dead-end corner with trying to balance my mental health problems with holding down my job. It's becoming increasingly obvious that it's coming, which is giving me increasing dread about it.

My medication made me so lethargic and brain-fogged, shot my short term memory and focus right to hell. I could barely do basic math in my head, at one point couldn't remember how old I was, etc. So I quit my medication in a desperate effort to be able to keep my job (which requires non-stop standing/walking labor, quick responsiveness to customers and strong attention to detail for 8+ hours straight starting at 5 in the morning).

Now I haven't wanted to talk about it too much on here, but it was going pretty darn well for a bit there. I didn't want to talk about it too much for fear of coming across like some "everyone stop your meds!" a-hole or like I was rubbing it anyone's face that I was doing good without meds (since I know tons of people can't function without meds and hate their meds with a passion). But now that it's going south I feel less weird about mentioning it.

So anyway it was going alright minus the occasional small issue here and there. But then this past week or so I have been getting increasingly just exhausted and depressed. I have never felt this exhausted in my entire life, just a deep, over-bearing, over-whelming exhaustion where when I'm awake I feel like all I can do is sit on the couch and half-cry. It is so hard to even get up most of the time. Every morning when I have to get up for work, I am honestly not even sure I can do it until I've desperately willed myself through the motions. Then the whole way to work I just have this feeling like I can't do it, I'm gonna completely break down. Several times throughout each shift I just feel like walking out of the store, just walking and keeping walking, down the street until I am home and away from everything so I can lie down on the couch and close my eyes.

It's like the physiological equivalent of old memories of high school gym class, where we had to run 10 laps, and on like lap 5 I felt like at any moment my whole body might give out, but out of sheer fear of humiliation I would just keep forcing my legs and lungs onward. Except now everyday feels like that, all day, on a physiological level. Like I am so ****ing exhausted I could cry and crumple into the floor, but out of sheer terror of losing my job I will myself onward.

I had today off and my most of my family is out of town for Thanksgiving, I couldn't go because they will be gone all week and I have to work tomorrow and the following few days. I just stayed on the floor under a blanket until almost noon. My brother who is still in town texted me asking if I wanted to go out and I just couldn't do it. So he came over to visit for a little bit and I was in dirty sweats, unshowered for 2+ days (can't even remember) and could just barely hold conversation with him. When he left I laid on the couch for a few more hours just feeling uncomfortable, sore and tired. I am still exhausted and know I will be in some hours when my alarm goes off for work.

I feel like I cannot do it anymore. Like I cannot do anything anymore. I am so tired and physically depressed. Like I am going to just snap at work and start walking, and never stop. And lose my job. Or lose my job because I am so tired and distracted on the job that I make dumb mistakes. I couldn't have held down this job on that medication, and now I won't be able to hold it down without medication, either. I wish I could just get hypomania, be productive and have energy and do a good job. The hypo fairy almost never visits me though.

Okay just needed to vent that out.