I'm feeling lost right now, thinking back about how my life has been so far. Have you ever felt like you have to live through a chaotic life even when you try your best not make it chaotic? But it happens anyway and you have no control over it, you can't stop it and just for goodness sake, live in piece? Or have no one who understands you or stay by your side through the bad times?

Everything about me, everyone around me are terrible. My family is a mess. They are so conservative, temperamental, mean, untrustworthy, not understanding and always looking for troubles. I'm nothing like them so they always find a way to bring me down. The more I try not to be involved, the more they get me involved. They don't even approve that I'm a weak person and that I need their emotional support.

My friends? I don't know why I always end up with the wrong company. It always occurs to me that any friends I make, it will either be someone who doesn't care about me, uses me, talk behind my back, get into a conflict and mostly be gone after few months or worst, after a year of a real deal of friendship. I've learned to let go, but when it happens more often, it breaks my heart into pieces and the more I become untrustworthy of people.

And me, I just hate myself so much. I hate my appearance, my personality(starting to be like my family), my race, my sexuality, my emotional problems that is making me so weak and so many more. I'm like a walking ghost, nobody notice or care about me and nothing good ever happens to me. Sometimes I contradict myself because I get all tired of life's BS that I just wanna have nothing to do with people or attract their attention and just wanna be myself out from any form of conflicts and mistrust.

What hurts the most is, I'm a guy who is old enough to be strong and decide what to do with me life but I just can't. I'm stuck in an endless loop of despair.

All this are just adding to my emotions that I just can't escape from. I don't even know if why my Psychologist said my depression(i'm bipolar II) is my illness when I'm just reacting to all the BS my life has been giving me. I don't know if there is any cure for me. Nothing will work, nothing... Why am I so unlucky?