let there peace, just let there be peace

there is no peace

there is pain... so much pain with no way to release it
there is confusion is it today's or yesterday's or 30 year's ago

there is denial, this can't have happened to me..

sleep brings the nightmares, wake up screaming nightmares

meds leave me trapped in the nightmares, no waking up... so no meds.. no sleep is better we say..

what is this life, why am "I" so old.. where did my grandma go

why do "I" live in the city, where is my farm, where are my babies, the horses, the chickens, the pigs, the kitty katters... the butterflies, where are they, kites where are my kites..

"I" don't like this place.. but it is where "I" now live

Who is this person that is called my son, make him go away... "I" don't know him..

For "me" the consensus getter and keeper, I don't want to feel this, stuff "IT" back.. make the other keep Her pain.. that is NOT my life.. that is Her life.. My life is not Her life - make Her take it back so that I can have My life back.

As consensus getter and taker, I don't want to feel pain... fear.. terror..grief... confusion.. ISOLATION.. sooo much senistivity..physical pain - so much physical pain...

I have to get a new consensus, is THIS physical body that we all share .... the one with all this emotional pain...... worth keeping and maintaining. I have a feeling I know what the answer will be....

With the consensus getter and taker duty, I am also the "do'er" - the one that can... T's don't understand our "system", they don't understand the unique ability to make a task list, make the emotions go away and follow the "list", after all.. "I" am only doing what is on the "list" - so how can that be "bad"...

there is no peace, there will never be peace...consensus but no peace...

I pray... that no one else.. will ever have to go thru what I am going thru during this time... may God ease all of your pain, worries and fear.

Let there be peace, just let there be peace.