I actually don't mind writing in this forum. I'm pretty afraid of it, yes, but I'd also like to share some of my thoughts, your post made me finally register on this site. I used to read the Avpd forum posts for quite some time now, it makes me feel less alone and incomprehensible.
I do have one close friend at the moment. I know her for five years now. She's understanding and loyal, the latter one being really important for me. Over the years, she has come to know a lot about me, though I don't open up actively because there's so much distrust and anxiety in me. I can't really imagine that someone accepts me the way I am, but there are different degrees of being preoccupied with beliefs of rejection. If I'd have to name a person who doesn't reject me, the first person that would come to my mind is her.
My family is different business. I inwardly turned away from my mother when I was 13. She offends me and tells me I'll never succeed in life in any way. (Which is true, but there's no need to be so cruel to say it, bc I know it.) My brother has always been the idealised one of us two. He's the one my mother calls sympathetic, warmhearted and nice. According to my mother, I should be like my brother, because hes all perfect. Mistakes he made are comprehensible and okay, thereas if I did something wrong, there's no excuse. He actually exploits her sometimes. Also, he never showed any sign of love towards me, even when we were children. He's in line with what my mother says and thinks about me. My father is the only one in the family I have a rather good relationship with. He's the second person that probably doesn't reject me that much. He's very passive in relationships and really has no sense of mutuality regarding to caring about a person, taking response of what you do in and especially with a relationship... This is kind of hard to describe. He's nice with you if you turn to him actively but he always gave me the feeling of being invisible. As if it was nice that I existed, and as if he would love me, but as if he wouldn't necessarily notice if I'd stop existing as well. (I know this sounds contradictory...)
I accept your persuasion of not being able to find friends. I felt like that my whole life, and actually still feel, and in some way I'm always surprised of myself when I realise I did manage it a few times in my life. Also, I could never talk about myself in such an articulated, distinctive way that I do by writing.