I've been depressed for years. I though I just had depression and anxiety and insomnia. Well, my doctor asked me a few months ago if anybody had ever diagnosed me with ADHD because the way I was responding to antidepressants seemed similar to something he had seen in others with ADHD. I thought he was crazy because I'm in my early 30's, not "hyper" and had never once thought I could be ADHD. He mentioned it a couple other times and I just said, "no...that can't be it".

Well, today, I took an ADHD test on Psych Central and scored in the "moderate" range. I read some articles about growing up with ADHD and about adult life with ADHD, and started laughing out loud because I felt like they were telling my story. I've always been an outwardly calm/laid back kind of individual, so never even considered it as a possibility. But, every other symptom reads like a check list for my life.

In particular, this article convinced me and seems to blatantly obvious, that I have no idea how I could've never known about this until now: ADDvance - Does your Gifted Child have ADD (ADHD)?

I grew up as the classic underachiever. I scored in the 98 percentile nationwide on standardized tests, but struggled to get C's and D's sometimes. I won science fair ribbons, but refused to let my project advance to the state level. I won art awards and was offered art school scholarships and decided to do something else completely unrelated. I did well in classes where the teachers liked me and gave me the freedom to explore and break the rules. I did horribly in classes where I was required to follow directions. I would sometimes intentionally do a project or paper incorrectly knowing I was going to receive a worse grade simply because my way was more interesting than the way it was assigned.

I went to college on a full scholarship and received D's and F's and dropped out. I eventually finished after about 10 years and three different schools. I've never been successful at anything because I simply give up or move on to the next idea. I've been in and out of my parents' basement my whole life because I can never seem to stick with anything. If I have to follow somebody else's rules or play their game, I just don't play it. I often begin to become successful at something, then realize it's not as interesting as I thought it would be to become successful and just stop or intentionally sabotage myself.

I thought I had been severely depressed for the last 10+ years, but now I'm beginning to think I've been dealing with a non-hyper version of ADHD (I saw it referred to as AD/HD somewhere) my entire life. I wonder if that is the source of my depression.

I have a list of things I need to do today, but instead of been sidetracked by other things (such as diagnosing myself with ADHD and emailing my doctor and therapist about it).

I lose track of time constantly. Showers can take me 45 minutes (and I'm a guy...I think I just stand there washing my hair or something). I will go to a room and forget why I went there. I find coming up with ideas and lists of ways to accomplish the ideas way easier than actually sitting down and working on something.

I'm not constantly misplacing/losing things like an ADHD person is supposed to be doing, but I *am* constantly worried about the thought of it. I check that my wallet is in my pocket constantly. Double and triple check a bag I just packed to make sure I haven't forgotten something even though I already know I haven't.

In school, I always had trouble meeting deadlines. A lot of times, I'd turn in some project that was the best in the class (or grade level or district), yet get marked down for it because I turned it in on my own timeline rather than the one set by the teacher. I guess those were the instances of hyper-focus. I've called myself a perfectionist, but I think I was just so focused that I couldn't allow myself to turn it in until it was perfect.

I've always done everything at the last possible moment. Papers, studying, projects, paying bills, leaving the house, etc. It's almost like the only way I can get anything done is to know that there isn't another second left to spare.

I often stare at people trying to concentrate on what they are saying to me or telling me, but it's like my mind is elsewhere and I'm just nodding, but unable to follow. I blame it on my tiredness from insomnia.

At times, my focus can be totally distracted by a normal sound (car passing, bird chirping, etc). At other times, *nothing* can distract me...I know I'm about to be late or I know I should've slept three hours ago or I know something else is more important, but I can't possibly allow myself to let go of whatever I've been doing.

Anyway, I have a feeling I've been ADHD my whole life and am just now finding out about it. I'd love to discover that this is the case, because nothing seems to be fixing my depression (therapists, drugs, weight loss, exercise, etc). I actually don't feel sad and blue, but I do feel unable to even get out of the house or take a shower or brush my teeth half the time.