So I've been seeing my psychiatrist/therapist for two years now. And among other things, we've discussed family of origin (rare the therapy that doesn't!) And I feel in general I've reached acceptance/resolution/understanding or somehow closed the loop of needing to discuss various family relationships in therapy.

Except one. My older sister. I've given my psychiatrist a general idea of our history but we've really only begun to discuss it in detail. I have a very black-and-white schema...not so much of the outside world....but of internal thoughts, emotions, relationships. And as much my relationship with an alcoholic father influenced that, I think my relationship with my sister (who had a very different experience with the same alcoholic father) influenced me more.

And now we are finally going to have time to discuss this most influential person in therapy. I feel like there's been a part of me anticipating this time in therapy since the beginning.To discuss, for lack of a better description, this very beautiful soul who was capable of being very ugly to the younger sister who has always adored and helped her. I love my sister, and I resent her. And though this resentment has been a defense mechanism, it is not a sentiment I wish to feel.

And my sister is showing signs of change--true change--that she values me and my own life wishes as an individual rather than an extension of herself and her needs.

And now I'm faltering. That black and white relationship schema in my mind. I'm feeling like I'll be disloyal to go back to therapy and sort through everything....that I'm not a good person if I go and discuss the struggles and problems I went through with her because she has been so great, and is changing