Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
Conversation this morning between me and Mom. Surprisingly I am not crying, probably because the Cymbalta is kicking in.
She had bought my son a shirt for his birthday and I thought I'd stop by and get it.
Me: "I can stop by to get the shirt."
Mom: "OK. That'll save me the trip. I was going to bring it to R's (my husband's) work."
Me: "I'll come by, but I don't know how I'm not going to fight with you. I am so angry and hurt. You call me a f***n b***h and you are completely unappologetic"
"I'm sorry you feel that way. I had to call you those names, just like I had to lay into my granddaughter because she got on my nerves (she screamed at her through the airport b**ch, retard, brat, moron, punk, loser...). My granddaughter got over it (she didn't really) and so will you. People say things when they're mad, that's just the way it is. You told me 'my mother is dead' and 'nothing will kill you' are you forgetting that?" (I said those things in a different context as a reaction to her 'disowning' me and she is twisting my words)
Me: "I will not get over it and it is not OK. You are not going to turn this around. I really can't even have any relationship with you."
Mom: "We haven't had any relationship anyway ever since the airplane/wedding incident last year."
"Really?"
"Yes."
We have had dozens of visits together, and countless phone calls. She made herself a birthday party where she hostilly manipulated everyone in the family and they all hate her for it and I very nicely let her do whatever she wanted, PAID for it, and acted as waitress.
And here she thinks I am going to be giving her money to LIVE...
Me: "I don't owe you anything. Goodbye toxic, manipulative, abusive woman, goodbye."
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Sometimes, when feelings have become real negative, we have to bypass feelings and work on behavior. You can't control how your mother feels about you, or how you feel about her. Where there is a lot of hostility, I think the first thing to work on should be courtesy. It's not okay for anyone to be rude toward you.
I wish I had come up with this insight when I was having bad interactions with my father. Decide that your mother is entitled to feel any way she wants, but she must behave better, if she is going to be around you. Then end any interaction where she becomes verbally abusive. Tell her that you won't allow yourself to be spoken to that way and leave her presence. Don't argue with her. Don't refer to past bad behaviors, even recent ones. You are never going to make her feel guilty for past behaviors, so quit bringing them up. Deal only with the here and now. You did not help anything by calling her up and saying you didn't see how you were going to not fight with her. That just kept a previous fight going. She likes to live in the past, but don't join her there. Insist on dealing only with now, when you are in a conversation with her.
Don't initiate a phone call where you are going to refer to a recent ugly incident. Wipe the slate clean, and start anew. I'm not saying to "forgive and forget." You can do neither now. Just put the bad incident aside and focus on you and mom being courteous to each other. Insist on making yourself courteous to her and refuse to tolerate discourtesy from her.