I had a horrible relationship with my older sister. She too was the favored one, the golden child. I was the slug, the dull one, the overly emotional one. My sister was killed in a car accident when I was seventeen. We never had the opportunity to renegotiate our relationship, to grow into it and view it from adult eyes. That makes me terribly sad, because as I've grown into my adult body and adult personality, I realize how much I've changed and grown. I have a secure feeling that my relationship with my sister would have changed and grown too, but that doesn't mean that the pain and anguish I felt as the "dull one" in the family didn't need to be unwrapped, examined and discussed with my therapist. At times, I've felt twinges of guilt about talking about these things, but in the end, talking about the jealousies, rage, hurt, intense feelings of worthlessness and intense resentments has been very helpful and healing.

I've learned that I am not betraying my deceased sister nor my parents, we all did the best we could at the time. Sure, there are times that I have to bite my tongue when my elderly mother talks about those times, but I recognize that she views the past differently than me. I'm never going to change her view, but I can honor and begin to understand my view and why it might have had a part in how I became the person I am now. What I felt and experienced as a child was real for me and I recognize that I deserve and honor myself by talking about them. Going back to that time in my life doesn't mean that my feelings for my sister and my parents has to stay stagnant or stuck in the past--it simply means that I get to open the old wounds and see how they influenced and created the person I am today. It means I now get to choose how I move on from here. Good luck with whatever you decide!