I relate to that but I come by it in a different way. I was taught that the world wasn't safe and that I was only safe with my abuser, my dad. He was my "protector" and I was too weak and helpless to it alone. When I left home and started dating I kept looking for partners who could take care of everything, who were incredibly independent, high self esteem, charming, generally competent, mature. And while they were great people I wasn't actually learning to stand on my own two feet and have those qualities myself. Nothing felt safe. I felt adrift in a world that was unpredictable and dangerous. Panic attacks abound. Which was great to my father, he wanted me to run to his side, to be dependent on him so he could continue the abuse.

I still can't really tap into a feeling that I'm a self-sufficient adult. I don't feel accomplished even though I'm 32 and have published multiple books and have several graduate degrees. I feel like I'm still in the dress rehearsal, not the real deal.

I think the only way I feel safe now is by having a predictable routine. When it's disrupted, I'm almost paralyzed. I'm not spontaneous at all!