What does it matter if I accomplish the goals I've set out for myself, am finally successful in my work and am able to support myself comfortably...if I don't have love, companionship, understanding, and friendship in my life?

What's the point?

Oh sure, there are things to enjoy on my own. There is life to be had out there. But we're not meant to be completely solitary, and a lack of love and understanding starts to take its toll.

I shudder to think of myself going through decades more of this--this being the cycle of being "okay," when okay means I have successfully convinced myself that people find me likeable, attractive, interesting. That it's okay when people exclude me, it's okay that no one of the opposite sex has taken notice of me in, literally, years, it's okay when coworkers smile in my face and tell me how awesome I am only to whisper behind me about how much they just "don't care for" me. It's all okay! I'm alright! I rise above! And the opposite end is the hurt and loneliness of realizing that I am not okay with this. I'm not at all. I don't want to be excluded, I want to be noticed, to be thought of as interesting, beautiful, desirable, to have people care for me. I don't want to be an island.

I don't really have a choice. I just tend to end up an effing island anyway, no matter how hard I try not to be one. Attempting to embrace it works for a minute, then I end up right back here.

I feel like literally the majority of people in every area of my life--work, school, meetup groups, and church (when I used to go) dislike me. I'm not guessing at that; it's just fact. I've tried to write it off as my natural personality; INTJ. We're rare to begin with and even more rare when we're women. I don't typically come across as a warm-fuzzy person because that isn't me (and when I try to behave that way it is perceived as fake, confusing, or irritating because of that. Or it's with someone I know really, really well.) But I do care a lot about many people. I'm an honest, loyal, and trustworthy person; it's too bad most people don't put a premium on these qualities. I'm short on whatever people do put their faith in.

No one has to respond to this, really. But I'm just sitting here thinking--how many more ups and downs can I go through? How many more times can I question who I am and where I belong? How much more can I think I belong somewhere only to find out that, really, people don't accept me there? I know, I know you don't need to be accepted to have worth but...it sure does feel better.

I honestly just don't want to do this anymore. None of it. I don't want to dream about the future because I tend to be disappointed. I don't care about my brand spanking new degree or my newly minted license; I don't want to do this anymore. I want to just pull the curtains, lie under my covers until my body doesn't function any longer. Because really...who cares if it does? People online who've never met me? Who might like the "me" I express through written word, my best form of communication? If you actually met me, you'd probably leave eventually, too.

Really. I can't think of a single person who'd care.