poetryislife, you need to focus on trying to cope better and talk to a professional.

Seems like your coping mechanisms with your life struggles are devolving in a way...
sometimes we tend to make us wish for things to happen to us, according to what we feel we deserve.
sometimes we tend to wish for things to happen that can justify a feeling we are feeling that we cant understand for example, when a person has irrational, unreasonable or un-understood anger, he/she may end up creating a situation himself subconsciously that can justify the anger, or wish for such situations to arise.
It could be that you are filled with a lot of pain and diminished self worth... and you are wishing for things to happen that can make you justify your depression and pain.

Probably because you haven't gotten the validation and approval you need for your feelings?
Or their value has been diminished by someone you consider a person of support or would like it from?

idk what is the case with you, but suicide is not an option...
you have an option of trying to find a therapist if you havent already, or forcing yourself to fight through this.
because just as everything in life, this phase too is temporary.
you will get past this.
all you need to give it, is time and find the strength to do it.

But at present, please get help and be around at least one trustworthy person. If there is no one, go to an ER.

Wish you well. Hope you realise that you already have the strength you need. Get better soon.