Sorry for the multiple thread posting.

In addition to feeling lonely and depressed and just downright low, I'm pretty irritated about something. I don't think I really have a right to feel irritated about it, or maybe I do. But I definitely feel guilty for being angry.

I have a young female coworker, R. She's new at the job and has been dealing with boyfriend issues lately. Long story very shortened, she is/was in a situation she shouldn't be in, some of it is her doing (bf set legit limits she isn't respecting) and some of it isn't (bf has actually been crossing the line into abuse). It's affecting her work and has come to a head in the last few weeks resulting in her asking for a leave of absence and going into a partial hospitalization program (one that I've been in twice before).

Here's where I get irritated. Okay no...I'm angry. I feel like I have dealt with some major crap over the years (in addition to my regular, run of the mill depression). To be fair I am not very open about it with many people because I've been burned, and I'm especially not open at work because of what I do, and I don't want people's judgement. It's just a self-preservation thing. But this past April, besides it being my birthday (which people of course flaked on) I had a major family thing blow up. I was crying at work (not me), making mistakes (really not me). I tried to talk about it a bit with some people I thought I trusted. They basically blew me off. I was to the point that I thought I was going to have to take time off from school, I was engaging in a little bit of SI, really starting to spiral into a very dark place. But I didn't feel like people gave a damn. To be fair, I wasn't as open as R has been. Probably because at my last employer, I was more open--at least with management--about my hospitalizations. One of my supervisors told all of my shift that I had gone inpatient, though there was no reason to do so but for the sake of gossip. He knew they weren't interested in my wellbeing; he certainly wasn't. One person sent a card, but other than that people were just pissed that they were short a person for a month.

So anyway a couple of people were talking today about how proud they are of R for getting the help she needs and how she's so brave. I initially felt good for her--I really am glad she's doing this for herself because she was not in a good place. But then I felt angry. She has people rallying around her, and I'm angry that, each time I was inpatient, during visiting hours, I'd sit in my room because I'd never have visitors and I couldn't stand watching people hang out with theirs. Her family is very supportive and loving, and I'm angry that my family couldn't care less. Really. They know about Thanksgiving 2012 (not that they really talked to me about it, certainly never called or visited) but they don't know that I was inpatient in 2009 and that I was because I almost successfully OD'd. In fact, most people don't know that; I drove myself home when discharged--my ex parked my car at the hospital. Nice of him since he also initially parked me in ER triage and took off. I'm angry that the reason some of my "friends" missed the graduation that I invited them to was because R was having another crisis (she'd gotten written up at work, was melting down, and they went to the bar). PS...that graduation was so effing important to me because, the first time through that program 11 years ago, I had to drop out due to my initial battles with depression. And now I finally finished. But to be fair, no one knows that because I haven't told them. I wish people would just realize something is important to me when I say it is and effing show up when they say they will like they do for other people. But they don't. Story of my damn life. LOL, my parents didn't do it, how can I expect people who aren't blood to do it? I'm angry that, when I took my LOA at my last job, no one reached out and when I came back they treated me like a leper. However, when another person took an LOA for panic/GAD, people visited her, took food to her house, and took up a collection for a gift. Why is one person's mental illness treated as a legit illness and mine is treated as an inconvenience?

I'm angry because rejection has caused me to be increasingly bitter and angry and this is probably more and more why I get rejected. I wish people would understand that what I need is what any other human being needs.

God...I feel like I'm not even doing "sick" the right way.