lately i can't stop thinking about my abuser/rapist's son. he was about a year old when i stopped talking to him. i only saw one picture of him and all i remember are the chubbiest cheeks i've ever seen on a baby and his dad's black eyes. when i showed my mom, she exclaimed, "that should have been YOUR baby!!!!!" sure. it would have been my baby if he had gone through with his plans to tie me up in his basement and keep me there until i gave him one and then another and then another and so on until i couldn't anymore. he'd be four now, i think. maybe five. i can't stop thinking about this little boy growing up with a demon father. how subtly humiliating and smothering and degrading he is. how he worms into your head and he's so proud that he can and you can't do anything about it.

i don't know. i imagine him beating that child down mentally the way he did to me, and maybe it will be different, maybe he won't see his son like an object just because it's his flesh and blood and not his dog. maybe he's changed over the years and he's a better person now. but i imagine the things that child might go through, thinking he's the stupidest creature flung onto this earth and his Father is the one true Glorious Intelligent Being left alive and Knows Best at Everything and will Save Him. i, dont want a child to live with him, i don't want a child anywhere near him. i hope his fiance or girlfriend or wife whatever the kids mother i s to him realizes what he is someday, grabs that child and gets out of there as fast as legs and wheels can carry them. i wish it HAD been my baby, that i WAS trapped in that basement, then another person wouldnt have to suffer through him for a second. at least he didn't kill my family, but he should have killed himself in 2009. the best christmas present i could ever have to make up for the rape is his fcvking obituary framed over my bed.