I'm aware of that already. Thanks for the reminder. I just want to express I hate it. I don't care for it, and you may say I'm lying, because what's holding me on. I don't have a sense of reality as in I can't correlate my behaviors that with my psychosis stuff and medical issues the way I am. How I talk too much and always have voices in my head and my life destroyed by a skewed reality forced upon me that you can't experience, because you don't have my brain and no one else here does even though they may experience similar symptoms.

It's that disconnect and the lack of empathy people give me and the lack of any effort to even want to stay made me both afraid of dying and tolerant of this and not accepting it furthering my own suicidal thoughts. I don't consider what others feel if I died, because I used to, but it led me to more mistreatment and more disappointment and more the fact I felt more empty.
There wasn't a hope for me, you can't tell me there is, when it is not here right now. It's not here. It's what I make of it, I only can do that it's either sometimes amazing most of the time disasterous because I don't have choice what my brain warps very badly.

I see people as imposters before a second a go as friends they didn't initiate anything to startle me or make me scared. It's my idk medical/psych issues of my reality literally changing in a blink of an eye. I could be seeing my mom as a killer clown before as my mother. I can't help it, and I hear voices all the time.

I've been off meds for 3 years and drug use hasn't helped of course, but it helped me did escape it in the immediate. No one gave me a shake and told me it's ok I'm here for you during my worst or my best. No one did that.

No one. When you experience that and you experience that it's not my perception is off all the time or people are just ******.

I have a ****ed up life like most people do so what.

If I die so what... It's not going to affect anyone. None of you know me.

I appreciate the help for what it is. An easy escape another coping skill and another way to release my pain not for advice.

I stopped believing in what other people say, because it's done me no good. I took my own by watching others and myself especially for answers.

When you want to believe in happy endings and they aren't there///

What's kept me sane and alive is the hope there will be.... Even if it doesn't show up.

That's sad, but it's what I'm stuck with to deal with and if I choose to off myself one day and it will happen on my own choice and no one will know about this.

And know one has known what this special disconnection is special like other people's are special, but different from mine. So they can say the same thing as I did, the point is that it doesn't matter some people get better and find their way and others can't if I can't I can't. I did my best. I didn't try I did what I had available and if it's not enough like you said it's unfair I know it is.

I experienced it all the time.

I know your information was informative and insightful, thoughtful and I liked it, but it wasn't helpful. I'm not saying you did anything wrong you did everything right. I don't know what to do and I don't need advice I don't want advice I just want what I want. I don't like talking about it, but I know I need to.

Love is the hardest thing for me and to others it's trivial and oh how I envy you so much who can do that. Most of these posts about my gf this and my bf that. Oh how I envy you had the chance. Oh how I envy you when you describe your relationship with your parents and how you describe your relationship with others.

I know my psychotic breaks episodes and my dystonia and severe muscle problems have put strain on my immediate family. I feel when my mom and dad die, when my mom told me, "now remember we won't be here forever."

that specific phrase kills me, every time it's what made me hate being alive and it's made me hate that I try to make my mom get me and love me and she is trying, but knows she has her limits and just shows how much she personally cares and don't care since ever. My dad wasn't available emotionally like my mom and when I was raped they were concerned, but were more just like tolerating me instead of really staying concerned or making sure I'm ok. You won't know what it's like to say I am going to one day die, because I know living is not worth it alone like this hurting. I'm going to one day do something about it, because I won't grow old and deal with this. I'm no coward no saint. I didn't care to be a hero or a villain. I just wanted to see the world and go on my way.
When I say I had enough I've had enough and I don't want to see anymore.

My mother definitely is a catalyst for me wanting to die, because I know if she's gone I can't cling onto I'm a broken damaged kid in an adult body, but I won't show it a lot. It's stupid to say I love you and meet someone, because it never works people want stability protection and all the other asthetic things and you know. I don't care for any of that anymore when I worked towards it.

I've put so much action and hoping for the best from it. I'm still hoping and if it does it won't save me forever, but it will make me not want to kill myself. I've working for that reason not to.