I feel like my mom has lied to me my whole life and hasn't always really, truly, unconditionally loved me. Or maybe she does but she hold resentment towards me.
She has recently admitted she didn't want kids before I was born. When she did have me, she got into an ugly divorce with my dad when I was about 1 or 2 years old.
But I remember being an infant. I know it sounds impossible. I sort of figure it's like a bad dream you can't get out of your head long after you wake up because it's information left in your brain that has yet to be resolved. Much of my baby memories are not happy. Except for when my mom went to someone's house for a visit. I was sort of half awake /half sleeping. I peeked my eyes open when the person answered the door loudly. My mom hushed him and told him I was sleeping.
I remember what baby food tastes like and being fed in my highchair.
My mom singing Alouette while pushing me in my stroller.
That's about the last of the good memories.
I remember sitting in my highchair and I would throw peas at my dad, I think I was a toddler. He would get angry. I felt scared and unloved.

But more scarily is this memory that has cropped up recently. I remember my mom holding me and she just dropped me onto the floor. I remember how much it hurt and the shock I felt. This came to me after telling someone I fell off the change table. I know I remember this when I was younger but just never thought of it since. I'm pretty sure she was the one that dropped me. Or did she? I remember it like a dream where I see myself. But I could feel it.
I remember a lot of bad dreams I had. All were having to do with some pretty disturbing things my mom did (in the dream /not real life). I've never told them to anyone.
She was always concerned about finding and keeping men in her life. She wasn't a horrible, terrible neglectful person. She would make couch forts for me, take me out on long walks, to the park, many places. She would involve me in cooking and cleaning.
But when it came to relationships and arguments with my dad and her boyfriends, husbands they would just shout in front of me. I hated it, of course, and it just scared me. As I got older, into my teens and adulthood, she would take it out on me. It's just weird.
I'm just pondering if she dropped me, though. Or if it was a bad dream I had from the trauma of falling off the change table.