I'm a little worried this is an impulse post, seeing as I've been turning this around in my head since the half-hour ago I got these results.

I do surveys online for money and I recently was involved in one that included (started off with, actually) an IQ test. According to the instructions, the questions were taken from real IQ tests, and an average score was 6/10 correct. An above average person would get more than 6.

I scored a 4.

And I thought I got at least 6 right...I thought I knew what I was doing.

So that's it then. I took a matrices test in the past that put my IQ at 106, but it would seem it's gone even lower. It's little wonder, really. I live on sweets and junk food roughly half the time, I'm depression-prone (apparently mental illness is linked to low IQ. Also crying kills brain cells), and I've done a bit of head-bashing self-harm in the past that may have killed brain cells. My memory is terrible, I'm abominable in math, and my mother says that these days I write like a retarded 4th grader, unlike how I used to be.

I understand intelligence as the most valuable trait a person can have, the biggest arbiter of value and worth. I've always thought that if I'm not intelligent, I'm nothing. And I am nothing, it's been objectively proven, repeatedly now. I'm useless. Don't bother giving me any crap about multiple intelligences, I'm terrible at almost all of them (verbal seems okay), or about mattering because you exist. That doesn't apply to most people. Gifted, talented people matter because they exist; below-average nothings like myself? I'm a waste of space. I knew it, but I suppose I still held out hope that I could improve, could fix myself.

This might explain, though, why I repeatedly failed out of college. Why I can't learn anything now. Why I lacked so much insight growing up and why I think I'm doomed now. It's no wonder I can't get hired either - I'm too impaired.

I kind of see no reason to keep living. There's nothing for me out there. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, perhaps if anyone knows some advice...stuff about dreams dying, maybe? I mean, any hope of success or self-worth is gone now. Or how to live without any pretensions of competence? I'm not sure.

I keep stumbling on people saying intelligence tests don't matter, don't measure it accurately. I don't really buy it. I suppose, I'm used to thinking in terms of high intelligence as a baseline - 120 is average, 150 is where "gifted" begins, etc. So realizing I'm probably under 100 implies I shouldn't even be living on my own or reading the kinds of books I do. Knowing I'm going to have a life completely devoid of value or meaning, of anything higher than the material because intellectual pleasures are beyond me hurts like hell. And on top of that....who loves a moron?