the first was just a meet an suspiciously eye the guy... i was terminating with another T who hadn't been doing a great job but to whom i was deeply attached. i was already annoyed at having to pay for the chance to just meet him. i would have preferred even a 15 min chance to look at him. i rely on gut feelings and i would have trusted that.

he asked me why i was there, what i wanted from therapy...blah blah blah... i asked him a lot of questions b/c i couldn't deal with another termination. i wanted to know i wouldn't have a time limit. i wanted to know that since he advertized as CBT was he flexible. Would we do historical work? i told him some about my self and my situation, including that i was "different"...i think i said freak, but tomato tomaato.

i was NOT hooked. i was willing to give it a few go's. i was concerned he was too emotionally reserved, more like my pdoc... not willing to be tender. He was probably a good therapist, but maybe not for me... and i still wonder about that.

it didn't thrill me for sure... but he wasn't my real first. Even my last guy wasn't my "first." None of the actual certified T's i saw got to first base first. A guy with no qualifications years ago set me on a path of self insight... so there has not been any real "aha!"moments.

sometimes it feels like having a sexual problem and can only get a paid partner... the therapy hooker. i've told him that. i felt a bit like that the first day with both... embarrassed to be there to pay "for it."

someone asked if it was like falling in love... not for me, but it was like a bad first date. No one sure if it's worth the second date. i told him i was shopping around to find a good match, and he asked what constituted a good match. i told him i read minute body language like a pro and i would know if he disliked me. He tested me out by asking me what he was feeling right then and i was bang on. Silly disbeliever.

Now, the second appt was much better. He wanted to know all sorts of stuff, about now and historical. We actually ran out of time before he could complete the list. He made a lot of comments about my own ability to find my own insights, etc. It didn't impress me either way.

i guess i was luke warm. i mean, i like him, and i thought he seemed very professional and like he was good at what he did. He treated me better than my old T had in just those two sessions. There wasn't an instant thing, but i was happy enough to try.

6 months later it waxes and wanes. Sometimes i feel very good about the choice, other times i find myself browsing online and in the yellowpages trying to find a psychodynamic T to try. i do call him off and on for support, but honestly i think he has built more of a connection from his end than me from mine. If i tried another T and left a dear T letter, i think he would be disappointed in not being able to meet my needs moreso than i would.

ask me again after my next session... my opinions are subject to change without notice.