Long post...

A year and a half ago I was living with my mother and sister. Due to a chronic illness/disability I have never been able to support myself. I did however finish a master's degree. My mother decided to retire to FL and my sister got an apartment. I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but essentially I lost my home and family. My dad had died a few years prior. I was a disaster, and it was at this time that I realized that a lot of long term problems I had was due to my not getting the love and affection I needed as a child. I had to do something, because I couldn't stay there, so I moved to another state to attend school for a vocational certificate. I saw a T for a few weeks before moving. The department of rehab helped me out, and I got a 4.0 for the fall semester. However, a nuisance back injury suddenly became disabling, I had surgery, and had to drop out. Surgery was successful, but I haven't been the same since. The pain before surgery especially was traumatic. Last summer I moved in state to a better situation. However, I have not been able to find or afford a place to live, so I'm living rent free in a house owned by my church. I have two part time jobs, am exceedingly disappointed with life right now, and quite alone. I'm having a hard time seeing that I have a future. I spoke with my priest about some bad coping behaviors, and he suggested I see a T from the church.

Initially she saw me free for a few sessions until she could get on my insurance (medicaid provider), which turned into a few months. Eventually, she got on the insurance, but several weeks after I was switched to regular medicaid. It doesn't cover T. She seems willing, but I don't feel comfortable asking her to see me any longer. She diagnosed me with MDD and GAD. (I'm not always this upset.) She says I never formed a secure attachment. I think she exaggerates this a bit, but that's more or less true.

I'm thinking of applying for disability, but frankly I'm tired of asking people for help, and visiting government offices.

My question:

I've brought this up before. Basically what I wanted in a therapist was sympathy and moral support. I needed a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold my hand. Frankly, I also need someone to complain to. I need someone to listen, understand, and help me gently. I feel strongly that they should understand and ask questions more than anything else.

Unfortunately she does CBT and ACT. She's also primarily a pediatric psychologist. I'm older than she is. When I read about CBT and ACT before I went, it really freaked me out. It sounded just like my mom. If something was wrong and I went to my mom basically she would tell me to fix it, or accept it. I didn't want the same from a T. When I started going I felt like something about me bothered her. I tend to be oversensitive that way, but it was more than usual. I don't usually feel like someone doesn't like me for no reason.

If I had to guess, I would say that she is uncomfortable with me expressing frustration or anger. (NOT directed toward her - my life is frustrating right now.) Upon further reflection, I think it's partly that. I think she is frustrated with certain aspects of her life. I'm not certain, but I think that maybe she is expecting me to deal with things the way she does, even though our circumstances are very different. Maybe I just remind her of her situation. I'm not sure about that, but I'm fairly certain that she sees that she can't change my circumstances, that I'm frustrated and upset with things I can't change, and so in a way she doesn't want to deal with them in T.

I went to T today. It was the first time since I found out I was on regular medicaid, and she wouldn't get paid. Before when she was seeing me, there was a promise of getting paid down the road, now there's nothing.

We kind of had a disagreement. She wants me to "accept" the way things are. I can't see how this is different from giving up. I told her certain things were not acceptable. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, and I think a certain amount of frustration is to be expected. I was telling her how abandoned I felt, and she was saying not to focus on the past. To be honest, I have tried to avoid doing too much of that in T, and have done much less than I wanted. She was telling me that I needed to take more responsibility for my choices. Where I am at now is REALLY not due to my making bad choices. She tried to back away from blaming me, but wanted me to think about myself as in control, rather than feeling out of control all the time. I can see that, but I don't think she understands how limited my choices have become.

She may be right about certain things, but there's two problems. 1. I feel like she doesn't understand. 2. I feel like my feelings are not being sufficiently acknowledged.

I think I'm going to let her off the hook and tell her since she's not being paid I'm not going to continue. I don't know what I'll do. Maybe being away from it will be good for me.