I think maybe it is time to get a therapist that Medicaid will pay for. You sound like you are proactive and want a fulfilling life, but just need a little coaching and support. There is nothing wrong with that, we all do, some of us can get that from parents, some from spouses, but if you don't have those, then there is nothing wrong with that.
I think you will do well, if you need to get on disability due to chronic pain or disabilities, then do that. Don't feel guilty. That is what the program is there for, to assist those who need it.
Keep your chin up, you can do it.