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Originally Posted by hazn
... Anyway, I'm left feeling the following:
- I'm sad. I lost someone who I loved dearly. What makes it worse is coming to terms with the reality that she wasn't real. When I'm alone I can't help but cry sometimes. Writing this post is difficult. I miss the good times we had, though I know it could never make up for all the bad.
- I'm confused. I never thought someone could be so heartless. I'm not sure if I can ever trust anyone again. I shared all of my deepest feelings and insecurities with her. She must know what impact this is having on me, yet doesn't seem to care.
- I feel guilty. Maybe if I had done things differently, there could have been a more positive outcome. I made some mistakes too, and I know I have things I need to work on. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.
OK so I realise this post is getting a bit long so I'll get to the question. How can I better myself in order to make sure something like this never happens again? I seem to have traits associated with codependency, but I could be wrong. I have low self-esteem. I don't feel very good about myself as a person. I don't have any close friends. When it comes to close relationships I seem to have a hard time regulating my emotions (I've only been in love like 3 times, though)... I feel like that might have something to do with the people I've been attracted to also, though. Ultimately, I'd like to get to a point where I don't place my happiness in someone else's hands and lose my self in the process. I don't want to be dependent on other people. EVER. I hope this makes sense.
I look forward to your replies  |
Once, a therapist told me that at the end of the relationship we often have to grieve what we wanted the relationship to be/thought the relationship could be, moreso than what it actually was. Even though she turned out to be an emotionally distant person, you wanted something from or with her and you have to grieve not getting it. You mentioned wanting to teach her to love, we can't really do that with people. You say you saw warning signs but ignored them - don't do that next time!
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She must know what impact this is having on me, yet doesn't seem to care.
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Why do you think she must know? Have you told her? You say she lacks empathy so she may assume you don't care any more than she does. Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes and imagine how we would feel if we were them, not to defend her in any way but it may be she doesn't know what impact it's having. She may not care either way, but still. You also say earlier in the post that you assumed she was as committed to making the relationship work as you were. We are often wrong when we assume, it's better to get things spelled out.
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Maybe if I had done things differently, there could have been a more positive outcome. I made some mistakes too, and I know I have things I need to work on. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.
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If you had done things differently could you have changed that she likely has a PD? Could you have given her the ability to empathize? Don't beat yourself up for things you could in no way influence or control.
It does sound like you may be codependent. I recommend "Codependent No More" if you have never read it. After a lot of soul searching I realized I was chasing emotionally unavailable people with PDs in an attempt to make up for my mother being emotionally erratic and having a PD. I thought on some level if I could get them to love me it would prove I was loveable, because they were so much like my mom. Really dysfunctional stuff, but realizing that helped me move on and heal those wounds myself.