Hello Tomatocloud: Welcome to PsychCentral! I'm so sorry you are experiencing such difficulty. I would like to second Fizzyo's recommendation that you consider calling a crisis or suicide-prevention helpline in your country... or, if possible, reach out to someone in real life. PsychCentral is a great place to gain support as well as to obtain mental health related information. However, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you may be in need of more direct intervention than we can provide. But, also, keep posting here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more you'll gain from the time you spend here.

I have problems with sleep as well. I will wake up in the middle of the night & not be able to go back to sleep. When this happens I get up & do walking meditation. I simply walk slowly around-&-around our dark & quiet townhome. I pay light attention to each foot as it touches the floor. Thoughts come & thoughts go. I don't dwell on them or try to repress them. I simply watch them as they swell & pass away. I find that I actually enjoy this. Perhaps you might give it a try. I wish you well...