This week my brother is to be sentenced to a plea bargained probation for some things that I don't want to spell out on here and risk my family somehow finding me. It's something that I struggle with because it hits me very personally. I'm sad and angry and confused and horrified and yet the depression makes it all seem so distant except when it doesn't and it feels like the whole world is going to change this week. It won't, exactly, but I guess the end of pretending this isn't real is going to happen. And I have issues with the probation seeming like not enough punishment yet who could possibly want their brother to go to jail and so I just don't know how to get through this. There is no logic that guides any of this.

I don't know how to get through the week. We've been waiting for a resolution for a very long time and now it is here and that doesn't seem real because we thought 4 months or 10 months or a year would be long enough and by now it stopped seeming like it was going to happen.

I just don't know. I'm scared of how I'll react. I see my therapist the day of the sentencing but don't know if it will be over before my appointment which is pretty early. And the last time I saw my therapist I just left feeling more grouchy, although for no good reason. I want him to see how I'm feeling without me telling him I think.

None of this makes sense. I just wish I could wake up and have it be over with and have reached the point where it is the way it is and not this whole huge new thing to adjust to.