I know what everyone's thinking. Tisk tisk right? Well besides my lack of transportation at the moment, I'm just scared. Last two times I sat down with someone I cried. That's when my PTSD diagnosis came around. They always want to talk about my childhood or my family and I end up crying so hard I can't breath. I'm not a cryer and crying in front of a stranger is so embarrassing to me. I feel so vulnerable. Then I walk out into the waiting room where everyone can tell that I was crying. I get it's obviously a subject I need help with but just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

I've seen tdocs in the past but they were more concerned with my present problems and didn't ask about my history. In those sessions I wouldn't say much or keep a lot of details hidden. I would even lie as to not bering up questions or concerns. I guess I have a issue opening up to people I don't know or trust. Also I would ALWAYS be canceling appointments at the last minute. I've even walked out of the waiting room.

With those two issues, I won't go to therapy. I know that I should and I know it may help in the long run but I just can't bring myself to make that move. There's therapists available at my pdocs but I'm picky too. I don't want anyone young, male, inexperienced ect. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let my wall down in front of people. I know I'm only hindering my own recovery here but I just can't. [emoji21]

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN