I've been fortunate enough that the one time I was close to an attempt I somehow got myself to a hospital and after that was on really strict precautions until I was much safer (2 1/2 years of supervision with meds...). Because I have worked in healthcare and have a lot of training with meds my drs. worry that any attempted OD is going to be fatal, even if I am just being impulsive. So they watch really closely, especially b/c with patient assistance I have a lot of meds available (3 month supplies of meds I take in high doses). Mostly I'm very afraid and so have managed to get help every time I scared myself before it got beyond just being scary.Suicide wasn't a big issue for me until about 3 years ago and since then I've fought with it a lot and am still under some of the precautions they decided on before I came home from the hospital 3 years ago New Year's eve. At least I'm allowed to shave my legs again . There was a time I wasn't even allowed that. Well, I was told to get an electric razor but the one I bought didn't shave so much as it pulled the hairs out by the roots and it didn't last very long before being thrown out with tears. So I just didn't shave for a month until they decided I could have one razor.

I know my therapist has been very afraid that I would harm myself with this long depression. I've been feeling so angry at myself/hating myself and also feeling hopeless and it was scaring him. But I haven't really felt that way since summer when I had a lot of med changes and wound up IP. Struggling some now though. Blech.