People who have had bipolar for decades-does it ever get better?

I have dealt with this since I was 12, and it has just gotten worse. There are periods when it is not so bad, but these periods do not last long.

The onset of this illness took away my social skills. I lost all my friends. I've since made new ones, but people still think I'm weird, or are reluctant to be my friends.

My senior year of high school brought on a deep depression that stole my work ethic and never gave it back. I struggle so hard just to put effort into anything. It is so hard for me to do a better job with things when it requires effort. It's a painful, uphill battle for me to do quality work. Every achievement I've had since then has been the result of something I am naturally good at.

My sophomore year of college brought a depression that had me thinking about sui seriously for the first time.

My junior year of college brought significant worsening of manic symptoms and agitation/rage, along with more intense sui urges.

My senior year of college led to super fast cycling, frequent crashes into severe wishes to die (I am lucky if I can go two months now without seriously considering sui), and a new sense of hopelessness.

Last year gave me obsessive anxiety and cognitive issues that overtook my life for the entire school year. I couldn't study or focus in class. My master's GPA was only a 3.25. In the entire five years of its existence, only three other people have gotten under a 3.5.

I've tried everything. I've found meds that work...for a few months. I've seen several therapists and made a little progress with some, but some have damaged me further. I've been hospitalized once, and all that did is make future providers less interested in working with me. Before I went to the hospital, I called my former beloved pdoc in desperation. "I'm not going to baby you," he said. I needed support, and he didn't believe I needed it. When I got out of the hospital, he was unusually short and curt with me, as if he was disappointed. So I'm never going back to the hospital again because it made things so much worse.

At this point, I live in fear of what will happen next. Will I lose my ability to write? To work? Will I end up on disability? Will I live in constant emotional pain? Will I ever bring a project to completion? Is it possible for me to fulfill my dream of going to med school?

I just feel so hopeless. There is so much evil in this world, and it is really getting to me. I wish I didn't have this illness, but at the same time, I love it. I love how I feel when I'm manic. I love the vision and creative drive and grandiosity I get. But I can never apply any of that energy to anything. I just overcommit myself, and the hypo/mania never lasts. But I still like it. And I almost don't want to try to get this under better control (I'm on low doses of my mood stabilizers because I fear side effects) because I don't want to give up the mania.

Which makes me feel guilty. It's almost like I'm choosing this misery, choosing this sickness.

So, my question is, does it get better with age? Will wisdom help me figure these moods out? Is there a medication out there that can curb my symptoms, for a long time, while still allowing me to be functional?