It's hard to think back to a time where things felt normal ... maybe a year ago. I started my new job today, I think it will be good for me.

Here is a letter I wrote to him a couple months ago ...

"My Dearest Ryan,

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this night; it is difficult to put everything into words when it feels as though there is so much to say. There is an emptiness that fills me with each passing day. How terribly much I miss you. Sometimes, I wish we could go back to that first day, start over again, and then I could see your smile once more.

Ryan, never forget how much I love you.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. I know how much you wanted for things to work. How much I disappointed you. How I much I hurt you. How many times I pushed you away. How confusing I made things seem. How thoughtless I have oftentimes been.

Ryan, I am so sorry I was never there for you, and that may be the greatest regret of my life. And now, through all the uncertainty, the only thing that really scares me anymore is not having you in my life. Not knowing how your story will end. I have been trying to change. I know it is hard to see. I have made so many mistakes, but I have been seeing a Psychiatrist every week for the last three months. I am still working on things, that I may struggle with the rest of my life, but you make me want to be a better person.

You are the best man I have ever known. You are kind and inviting, and so smart. Know how proud I am of you. For who you are, and all the wonderful things you do. I was the lucky one. You gave me so many cherished memories and I feel most grateful to you for them. Know how hard it is for me to give them up. Know how much I wish you would give me another chance. How much I want to be prepared to put you and your needs foremost in my life, to support and love you as you support and strengthen me.

Maybe, someday, you will let me spend some time with you again. Maybe, someday, we can try again together.

My love always "


... he never replied, but cried when I asked him about it when we spoke not too long ago. We haven't talked too much since. I think he needs more time.