Just wanted to talk about some things I'm worried about, things I'm thinking about and some random thoughts.

First, been on a low dose of Latuda for a week (20mg) for a week, but started 40mg last night. Not sure if I'm really feeling it yet. When I started it I was experiencing a really nice period of hypomania- energy bursts, a bit of giddiness, and a desire to be a little more social. Most importantly, I was able to just do things, without doubt, hesitation or dread. For the past year I was cycling a couple of times a week, but this recent hypomania settled in for about 3 weeks. Now... Not sure how I'm feeling... A little depression, but it feels different. A little suicidal thinking, but from a distance. A little anxiety, but the grip of it not as tight. Maybe it is the Latuda percolating in my system.

Worried about my oldest daughter and my mother. My daughter is getting married (2nd time) in a month. She's feeling overwhelmed and is having health problems. She has diabetes and it has been out of control for awhile. She was having stomach problems and found out it is her pancreas. She goes in for a CT scan next Monday. Looking for cancer. She is 32 and has 3 children- 12, 7, and 4. I am afraid for her.
My mother is 73 and my sisters have noticed that she is having some serious memory issues and she is trying to hide it and very defensive about it. four years ago there was a huge rift in the family and communication ended for a long time. Much of the rift was based on misunderstanding and generated by my little sister, who also has bipolar disorder. Anyway, my mother has felt really disconnected from the family and I think that has worsened what may be the beginnings of dementia. She lives in Florida with her boyfriend of 15 years. I'm in Nevada, and my sisters are in AZ and IN. My sisters are committing to call her more, and I am going to write letters as I have significant anxiety issues with talking on the phone. As the oldest daughter, I feel like I should be doing more, but I can only do what I can. This is just not another thing I need to be beating myself up about.

Random thought last night as I was watching a medical show in which a young woman lost her hearing due to a tumor in ear canal. What if I lost my hearing and worse yet, my sight? I would be trapped in my head, trapped with the inner voices and thoughts with nothing to distract and drown them out. That would be horrible.

On that note, I think will put a period on this and hit submit. Thanks for reading this. Jen.