Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I have incredible mixed feelings of love and (not hate, but) resentment. There were so many times she denied me and my sisters and so many mean things she said when she was the one with the money. Now, she is still going to act like the queen on her high horse, not take any responsibility and continue to make bad choices, and I'm going to enable her to do it. And it goes so much deeper than that, I can't even begin to describe.
She's 80. I know I'm not going to change her and she might as well go out in her final days being comfortable. I'm not going to lose money on it anyway. I'll get reimbursed when her house gets sold. She ran out of cash but she owns a property. I feel proud that I can help her. My sister's can't, and she would have had to sell and downsize.
I feel guilty that I am feeling so angry and petty about it and need to keep that under wraps. I am really struggling and not happy. I feel caught and trapped between a manipulative mother and an incompatible husband. By helping mother financially, I am becoming even more dependent on husband because it's his earnings that will go to help her-- and she causes so many problems between him and me! He's a saint to even be willing to help his mother-in-law!
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I don't think it's petty at all. Helping someone that's treated you like crap is hard, even if it is a parent. My boyfriend took care of his ailing father for a while before he passed away and his father had basically said "I never loved you or wanted you" and he had tons of resentment for having to take care of him. He still does I think, but he's let go of some of it by saying that the real reason he did it was not for his dad but so that all the burden wouldn't be on his mom.
So looking at it like something of pride, that you have the means to help someone, taking that decision and control back really reframes the situation. You'll probably always have mixed feelings about her. I love and hate my mom sometimes simultaneously. Mostly because I never know if I should expect warmth or criticism. I wish I'd had a mother that could give emotionally what a child deserves, and it be about someone else's needs other than hers. On some level I'll always feel cheated I think. I did keep her alive the 9 months that she and my dad were divorced, when she was drinking heavily and acting like she was 20. I think in some ways I feel like I paid a pennance there, like I've put in my time and now if she melts down on that level again it's my sister's turn. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into being about me!! I'm just saying I get it.
