I think depression makes events like birthdays extra hard.

I had normal birthday parties as a child. As a teenager, my friends would take me to lunch. I had a Sweet 16. In my 20's I had various boyfriends, so I guess I celebrated. One year, I had a broken leg and my mom invited all my boyfriends over for a 'surprise' party (I pretended I wasn't in on it). It was hilarious!

I got married and was ready to give birth on my 30th birthday. Which was a really good thing for my peace of mind.

But after that my birtdays and all holidays became a nightmare. My husband was clueless about how to act and disappointed me constantly. The struggles between us or my mother or his parents left me hysterically crying nearly every holiday for the past 20 years!

My 40th was the worst. Even though I really had very few friends, and even less true friends at that, I wanted a party. I asked my husband to make me a surprise party because I felt stupid making my own party. He was clueless and wouldn't do anything. My mother refused to help him or even to come to a party with my friends. I cried non-stop for a month while planning my own party. I know it's stupid and vain. My so-called friends did me a favor by coming. We made a dinner party at a nice nightclub with surf and turf. One couple, doctors, said they forgot to bring my present, left it home. I never saw that present!

I guess maybe I'm not a jolly good fellow ;-)

I stopped celebrating birthdays after that and have cried all day on the birthdays through my forties.

I turned 50 this year and just went out to dinner with my family. No big deal. No more delusions.

Maybe this year I'll do something fun with people I love and plan it myself.

I say- You only have this one life and G-d loves you, try to love yourself and do something to make yourself happy.

Happy upcoming birthday!