I remember my first session well. I'd gotten T's name from a friend, and I called and left him a message. I liked his voice on the answering machine. When he called back I didn't tell him anything other than I wanted to make an appointment. I picked some of the available times, and then I really looked forward to the day I was going to go. I was just so depressed that I thought maybe he could tell me something that would somehow be helpful. I didn't know anything about therapy. Just a friend had recommended it, and I decided to try it, mostly on a whim and because I didn't know what else to do.

I remember waiting in the lobby. An older gentleman walked in and I thought he looked friendly. I was disappointed when he called someone else's name. Then my T walked in and said my name. I looked at him and liked him instantly. He was also an older guy and looked friendly. As I was following him up the stairs to his office I had a fleeting thought of "what the hell am I doing?" I'm already phobic about talking to people, but what the hell, I was there.

I mentioned that I was going through a breakup. Then I said "apparently I have problems with emotional intimacy." I felt like the biggest dork. He asked me who told me that. I described a little bit about my relationship. I said that whenever we tried to talk seriously I always cried. He said "why are you crying?" and I was struck by the bluntness of the question. He went on to ask me a few questions about my family. I thought it was a dumb tangent and didn't really want to say much. I think I said one of my siblings was annoying. He asked me why and then asked several annoying questions that were filled with suggestions of what I might say when I was annoyed with my sibling. I didn't like that, but it got me to think. I think I ended the session talking about some random cousin of mine. He asked me what I expected from therapy. I said I don't know and what should I expect. He told me he wanted to see me at least once a week. He said that we would be intimate and asked if I wanted to do that with him. I said I thought so. It seemed like it wouldn't be too risky to give it a few tries. I said I wasn't sure I could afford it, and he said I hope you'll talk about this with me if it's an issue. I remember being freaked at the idea of just bluntly talking about something like that. Any wonder I'm in therapy?

Lying in bed that night I remember being freaked out by some of the questions he'd asked me, wondering how I'd ever tolerate being questioned about some of the thoughts and feelings I have, realizing I was fascinated by the idea. I was looking forward to going back. I used to be so anxious sitting in the lobby before the session that I thought I would be ill.

I never filled out any paperwork. I never asked him what he charged (I was depressed and didn't really care -- figured I could always quit). He gave me a bill at the end of the month and I paid it. I briefly freaked out when I thought about how expensive therapy was going to be. Then I decided what the hell I'll just do it for a while. A year and 8 months later it's the best money I've ever spent.

Sidony