At least the thinking is. I feel like I'm about to try to document myself going in the opposite direction of people on here. I've been tempted several times to ask for ideas of how to hurt and punish myself (I actually tried looking up self-punishment ideas, but all I got were a bunch of BDSM sites. Granted, many of the ideas there would feel like genuine torture for me, which is the aim, but they require another person).

All I see in myself is failure and inadequacy, all deserving of punishment, especially the things I can fix but won't. This all got set off tonight after reading about fasting, right after failing miserably in attempting a new eating plan that would amount to starving myself (a perfect mix of punishment and necessary weight loss). But I ****ed it up, because I'm a weak, pathetic, useless piece of **** who deserves to die horribly. I don't deserve food but I'm too much of an undisciplined filth to keep from stuffing my face at every opportunity. Okay, now that that's out...

I know I've mentioned before feeling guilt about other people suffering - I simply don't deserve to be treated as well as I have been in life. The fact that I can't see a fictional person get hurt by someone else without wanting someone to do that to me....of course, the problem is the other person would need to be invested in it. I've thought before about hiring someone to beat the **** out of me, or even non-lethally torture me, to give these feelings some kind of legitimacy. Apparently that's illegal though. So I keep with stuff I can do. I've tried a few times to do the cold shower challenge (5 minutes minimum a day under the coldest water you can get for 30 days), and now I'm trying once more, in the winter on purpose, and I'll even tell myself that the pain and numbness from standing directly under it is making me stronger, or is penance for being what I am.

I find myself thinking about ways to hurt myself more often: I've wondered if I should get into cutting. I made a plan to starve myself that obviously failed. I've similarly planned to subject myself to grueling exercise, or wondered if I could find a trainer who would abuse me. I've contemplated simply beating myself more often, systematizing it with numbers of lashes or as punishment for specific things. It's all in my head now and I want to make it a reality...god I'm a sick freak. I don't even know what's wrong with me, or why I'm getting worse (if you can call it that, seeing as I don't actually do much of anything).

I don't even know what I expect of this post other than letting thoughts out.