Well. I'm on day three and I've actually felt good. Or, as I described it to my doctor, "I've felt human the last few days for the first time in 20 years". I'm actually talking to people and holding conversations rather than just mumbling a few words. I'm doing one thing at a time and focusing on it. I was listening to my therapist talk yesterday and I could actually pay attention to her rather than just sort of floating around in a haze, and I was still actively engaged with her by the end of the session whereas I'm usually feeling barely there. I didn't feel ready to fall asleep for the evening at 4pm like usual. Suddenly, everything seemed okay in life because I felt like I wasn't just existing in a fuzzy blur where every single task, no matter how small, seemed impossible.

I really don't think it was a euphoria or a high or anything like that. I think I just finally felt like a person again. Like I could do something other than just continue living in my parents' basement where I always end up living again after I fail at existing in the real world. I feel like if I felt the way I do today, I could go back to school and have a life and not feel like a pathetic loser every day of my life anymore.

But, I saw my doctor today, and he told me to stop taking it because my heart rate was way too elevated by it.

I was just like, "Seriously? You want to take away the *one* thing that has made me feel like a human being who can exist in the real world after only three days?".

So, I guess tomorrow I'm back to feeling like everybody else in the world is capable of running a marathon every day just because they are able to keep a job and have friends and a life and run errands and exercise. Meanwhile, I'll go back to failing at even being able to manage one of those things.

Ugh. Well, it was nice not feeling worthless for three days.