Today was our last session for 3 weeks. When I arrived T said that since it was the last for a while and we had started together a year ago, that it might be a good time to review the year and talk about goals for the coming year. I was surprised since we never talked about goals before. It was hard for me to start because I was so anxious about the separation.

I was trying to keep it light, but he asked if I could elaborate on my anxiety about being apart. We talked a bit and he tried to comfort me by telling me he would be back and so would I. I told him I felt very attached to him.

I told him that I had also been thinking about the year anniversary and that i had printed out my poetry and letters I had written to him when he was away in JUly. He asked me to read one of the letters to him.

Then, he said something that reminded me of something else (thank God). Then I told him about a dream I had. Meanwhile, I'm really really anxious during all of this. I became confused (my version of dissociating). He started talking about how being confused doesn't serve me well as an adult. I told him it felt like criticism. He dug a deeper hole. He triggered me without knowing by repeating an abusive pattern that occurred between me and my brother while I was growing up, regarding my confusion. (T wasn't abusive, it was the pattern of questioning the confusion just when it happens.)

I left horrified. I cried in the car and left him a voice cracking message on his machine.

What is this, CBT? Goals? %#@&#! him. I hate him.

Three weeks, three months, three years, who cares.