My brother is being sentenced for something fairly ugly tomorrow. It's a plea bargain so I know some of what will happen but not all. it's also just a very difficult thing because what he did hits too close to home for me. That's my tough family thing. I have had probably too long to think about it and definitely the blindsiding part has come and gone (twice, once when it happened and once when it was pled to probation) but the details will be hard. What he did changes my life and I'm pretty angry about that.

Numbness for me is usually just too much depression, sometimes combined with overwhelmed. Numb is where I tend to go when it is too bad for me to manage with coping strategies. This time it feels like it's been forever. I think I've probably pushed this upon myself in my efforts to delay going on clozaril until it is more convenient/less disruptive to my family that is already going through so much/completely certain no samples of any other med are going to turn up/etc. I've known since mid-October that I nearly certainly was going to need clozaril but am not going to start tapering Seroquel until close to Jan. 1. The only way to cope with that and the fear I have of clozaril is to just shut down. And conveniently that helps with the rest of it too. Except that it will backfire at some point.

Hopefully my therapist can help tomorrow.